Introducing anal toys to a partner is similar to introducing other new dimensions of sex — the conversation matters more than the equipment, and small specific steps work better than abstract suggestions.
The opening conversation
Start with curiosity, not commitment. Suggested opener:
"I've been thinking we might enjoy trying anal toys at some point — what do you think?"
Key elements:
- "At some point" — removes immediate pressure.
- "We" — both partners are part of the experiment.
- Specific — anal toys, not just "we should try new things".
- Asks for their view — invites engagement.
Don't open during sex; don't open during conflict; don't lead with buying equipment.
Possible responses
Interested
"I'd be open to that" / "I've thought about it" — discuss specifics: which of you wants to receive vs use the toy on the other? What worries you? When?
Cautiously open
"Maybe... I'm not sure" — a yes in slow motion. Don't pressure. Address specific concerns (cleanliness, pain, the practical mechanics). Revisit in a few weeks.
Uncomfortable
"That's not for me" — a real no deserves real respect. Anal play isn't a relationship requirement; don't lobby. The relationship has many other dimensions to explore.
Common concerns to address
"Will it hurt?"
Done properly, no. Most pain comes from insufficient lubricant, going too fast, or wrong angle — all addressable. See does anal sex hurt.
"Isn't it dirty?"
The lower rectum is normally empty between bowel movements. A bowel movement 1-2 hours before clears it naturally. See how do you clean before anal.
"What if I don't enjoy it?"
Possibility worth acknowledging. Not everyone enjoys anal stimulation. The conversation should include: "If we try and it isn't for you, we don't do it again."
"What does it say about us if we try?"
Nothing in particular. Anal play is one of the most-common categories of "things partners want to try"; it doesn't carry specific cultural or relationship meaning. Just another dimension of intimacy.
The first toy
For first-time anal toy use, the right starter:
- Small plug, 25mm (1 inch) maximum diameter. See what size butt plug for a beginner.
- Platinum-cure silicone material — non-porous, sterilisable, lasts for years.
- Flared base wider than the toy body — non-negotiable safety feature.
- Tapered shape — narrow tip; wider body.
- Smooth surface — no aggressive texture for a first piece.
UK first-plug picks: B-Vibe Novice Plug Small (£35-£40), Fun Factory BootyTrainer Small (£30), Tantus Ryder (£25-£30). Avoid jelly rubber, TPE, or anything under £15.
The first session
- Pre-session conversation, again. Confirm what's happening; confirm safe word; agree on duration.
- Bathroom break 1-2 hours before — clears the lower rectum.
- Warm-up first — 10+ minutes of other intimacy. Cold-start anal play is uncomfortable.
- Plenty of lubricant — glycerin-free water-based; 5× more than feels needed.
- Slow insertion — narrow tip first; pause at any tightness.
- Short first session — 5-15 minutes wear time. Build up over weeks.
- Aftercare — water; gentle conversation; check in.
Who receives
The first receiving partner can be either:
- The partner who suggested it — often the natural choice; they're drawn to it; let them experience it first.
- The partner who didn't suggest it — sometimes useful for the suggesting partner to demonstrate the comfort and safety of the practice first.
- Both, in alternating sessions — neither has to specialise.
Anal play isn't gender-coded. A partner with a prostate has the addition of prostate stimulation; partners without one have less specific internal sensation but still substantial anal-area sensation.
Building from a first plug
If the first plug session goes well:
- Month 1-2: small plug, 2-3 times per week, 5-30 minutes per session.
- Month 2-4: transition to medium plug (35mm). Sessions can be longer; integration into regular sex.
- Month 4+: optional larger plug; partner penetration (digital, then with appropriately-sized dildo); longer wear; integration with other dynamics.
See anal training sensible starting point for the longer protocol.
The most-common mistakes
- Going too big too fast. 25mm starter is right; 45mm "starter" is too large.
- Insufficient lubricant. Use more than feels necessary.
- Skipping warm-up. Cold-start anal is the most-common cause of pain.
- Pressure to "succeed". A first session ending without orgasm or full insertion isn't a failure.
- Using porous-material toys (jelly, TPE) for anal. The bacterial accumulation in anal use of porous materials is the highest-risk combination.
- Skipping aftercare. Treat as you would any new intimate experience.