Sexual fantasies are universal across adults. The research is consistent, the cultural framing often isn't, and the gap creates unnecessary worry.
What the research shows
The most-cited UK / international fantasy research:
- Joyal et al. (2015): Quebec adult sample; 95%+ reported at least one sexual fantasy. The most-common fantasies, including "unusual" themes like power dynamics, group sex, and specific kinks, were reported by 30-60%+ of respondents.
- The Hunt Report (US, 1974) and subsequent updates: similar findings. The frequency hasn't changed dramatically with culture.
- UK and Western surveys consistently show similar patterns.
The "I have a strange fantasy and I'm alone with it" experience that many adults have is statistically wrong. Almost any specific fantasy is shared by millions.
Fantasy ≠ desire-to-do
One of the most-important distinctions: fantasies and what someone actually wants to do in real life are often different.
- Many adults fantasise about scenarios they actively wouldn't want in reality.
- The same scenario can be exciting in fantasy and uninteresting (or actively unwanted) in reality.
- "Want to fantasise about" is a separate question from "want to act on".
This is psychologically normal. Brains explore scenarios that aren't plans of action.
Common fantasy themes
The most-commonly-reported fantasy categories (from Joyal et al. and subsequent UK research):
- Group sex / multiple partners, 60-80% report having fantasised.
- Sexual dominance / submission, 50-65%.
- Specific kink elements (bondage, role play, specific scenarios), 40-60%.
- Sex with specific celebrities / archetypes, 50-70%.
- Sex in public / risky scenarios, 40-60%.
- Same-sex fantasies among predominantly heterosexual adults, 30-50%.
None of these are unusual; all are widely-reported.
When fantasies concern the person having them
Worth talking with a therapist if:
- Fantasies cause significant distress. The fantasy itself isn't the problem; distress about having it is.
- Fantasies involve non-consenting or vulnerable parties in ways that worry you specifically.
- Fantasies displace your actual relationships, partner relationships can't compete because real partners can't match fantasy ideal.
- Compulsive fantasy-seeking that interferes with daily function.
UK therapists familiar with sexual fantasy work: Pink Therapy directory, COSRT, NHS-referred sex therapy.
The conversation question
Should you tell your partner about your fantasies? Sometimes.
- If you want to act on it together, yes, with the framing from how to ask for what you want.
- If you want to share for intimacy, yes, often.
- If you're curious about your partner's, invite their sharing; expect the same range as your own.
- If the fantasy involves someone you both know, probably not. The damage often exceeds the gain.
- If you suspect the partner would be hurt, careful judgement. Some fantasies are personal; not every thought needs to be shared.
For UK couples curious about exploring fantasy
Practical paths:
- The yes/no/maybe list, both partners fill out independently; compare.
- Erotica that resonates, what you're drawn to often points to genuine preferences.
- Small-step exploration, one specific element from the fantasy made real, rather than full enactment.
- Roleplay, fantasy can be performed without being literal.